The first of many... hopefully!

So the first 'writing exercises' is from the first chapter. This chapter talks about the effects that being abused, thinking you have been abused, or being around someone that has been abused has on you and all aspects of your life. The ways that it can have an ever lasting affect on your day to day life and not to mention your personal feelings about your self and the way you feel others may view you. Let me start off by saying that this was a difficult chapter for me to make it through without pulling myself away and just 'read a book.' What I mean by this is one of the ways I learned to cope a long time ago was to pull away and just put on a happy facade. This could be while in public settings or even just when I am alone. So when I enter a situation that I find hard to deal with or begin to feel anxious about I tend to pull into that fake world of happiness that I have created. But, I don't want to be that way with this book, my 'healing', or like that in general anymore. I promised myself that if I was really going to do this and do it to the best of my abilities I was going to do it full out and head on. That in itself is a big deal to me, and it has already begun causing issues with me. Panic attacks that I haven't had in nearly fifteen years are back with a vengeance, and let me not forget to mention the nightmares, even when not sleeping. As I explained it to C and J, when they each witnessed one, it's like I have opened Pandora's Box. All of the visions and feelings that I haven't had to or made myself deal with in a long time are out and are not going to be forced in that box again. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to push these thoughts, visions, and feelings back like I have always been able to. The are the things that the first chapter touched on that not only surprised and hurt, but also brought forth a lot of these thoughts and feelings that I had always been able to push away. I have always been very down on myself. I thought it was because of the way society treated me or the way I felt that society looked down upon me. I have always, and will probably continue to be, a big girl. I am in the governments and general society views, obese. While this has always in my head, I think I was always worse on myself than others. I have never been happy with who I am or the way I look. This follows through to the way I look, the way I talk, the way I deal with everyday life. In the back of my head I guess I always associated these feelings with the abuse that I sustained at the age of seven, but it was never really at the forefront until I was much older and started really taking a hard look at the world. But, it's also like I said earlier. I created the happy facade at such a young age that most people never took the true look at me long enough to realize that it was just a facade and that on the inside I was so scared I could hardly breathe. It wasn't until I met my best friend/sister that I opened up and talked about it for the first time. And, even then I held a lot back. Even she didn't know, and still doesn't, everything. She was the first person I ever told anything to about the abuse since I had tried to tell my mother when it first happened. I was/am so scared that it would change her opinion of me or the way she felt about me. Though I know that it's silly to think that, but I can't help it. It's one of those lasting affects of not being good enough. That if I don't pretend and act like everything and I are perfectly happy then no one will want to be around me. For many years I used this and sex to numb myself. I pulled so far into myself that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I found comfort in alcohol, sex, and men in general. While a lot of abused women have a hard time being touched or having sex, I was just the opposite. I distanced myself so far from it that it meant nothing to me, unless I wanted it too. It got me the attention that I wanted at that time and place. I used my sexual assertiveness to make people think I was outgoing and happy, but on the inside I was dying of suffocation from all those years of being inside myself. I don't know that I even know who I am now, but I am working on it. Through everything I have been told that I am such a strong woman. To have been through everything that I have been through and still be standing on my own two feet, living my own life, being a single mother, working a very stressful job, and waking up everyday is amazing... while to them it may be, to me it's just another day. Some are good, some are bad, but they are all just days. While some people might see that as depressing, I see it as a strength. I feel that I am one of the very few people in this world that can honestly say that I live life day to day. While it used to bother me, I find now that it's a blessing and strength in my own way.

I didn't realize that I would be able to say so much. What's funny is that I am stopping myself. I feel like I am rambling and I really want to start trying to explain a little more of my back ground before going on. Then, maybe, some of the things I am saying will make a little more sense. Not only to you, but maybe to me too. I have never really dealt with everything from my past. I have never put it all down, and for me that is sometimes the best way to deal with things. To see it there in black and white, is sometimes shocking and therapeutic at the same time.

And here we go...

My name is Jena and I am a survivor... Ok, let's be honest here. As you can plainly see this is a blog of my life and participation in therapy to recover/deal with the past twenty one years of my life. I don't know how often, or if ever again, I will post, but this is a beginning. Some days I might use this as a way of talking about things that have sent me over the edge that day or things that just might have happened. Other days I might use it as a journal to express what I am feeling or as a way to do writing assignments that are involved with my therapy and the book I am working with. This is not my way of publishing my personal experiences or thoughts to gain attention, just so you know. I just don't know another way to share my feelings and process of recovery that might end up helping someone else deal with their own or not feel so alone if they haven't started their own healing process. All comments, whether positive or negative are welcome... and I mean that honestly. Who knows... this may end up being the one tool that works for me better than any other. Hell, it might even end up in the book that is helping me 'heal' or it might just end up being one more blog in the blogosphere that never sees the light of day again. Either way, this is me, my story, my life, and my process of healing.